She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
