Soap is not a condiment
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
