I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
