just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
