you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
