I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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