____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
