The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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