Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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