Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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