Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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