she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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