just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
