From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
