Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
