how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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