Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
