how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
