on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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