Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
