and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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