actually, I'm a sock model
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize