his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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