Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My breasts were aching with rage.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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