woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
