the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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