I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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