I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
