i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
