Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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