matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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