a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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