I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
