Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
