pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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