I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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