don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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