Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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