Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
