If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
