saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
