I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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