Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
