R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
