theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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