I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
