did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Boobs are out for the taking
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
