I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
