the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
