You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
