hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
