Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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