I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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