I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
