She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
