What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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