So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
