Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
