1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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