She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read