He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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