People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
