rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
