Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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