giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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