I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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