I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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