at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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